Lately, Varah has really gotten involved with 4 other girls. They call themselves the K-5 which means Korean Five. One of the girls is Korean and the group has intentionally taken on some Korean culture --learning the language, watching Korean soap operas, listening to pop Korean groups and watching the videos, etc. I like this about the girls. They all seem to enjoy and embrace diversity. Two of the girls come from a ministry family -- much like the one in which I grew up.Varah comes home with clothes from "the box", food from the pantry -- all donations to the ministry.
I am concerned, however. The K-5 are asking us, their parents, to allow them to spend weekends together. Every Friday Varah comes to me asking if she can spend the night at the ministry girls' house. On Saturday, she comes to me and asks if she can spend Saturday night and go to church with them on Sunday. On Sunday, she asks if she can spend Sunday night and go to school with them on Monday. They all attend the same school and the older ones drive (The girls range in age from 15-18). This happened about 4 weekends in a row. I allowed it for the whole weekend two times and partial weekends two times. I am feeling a little tense about this. I'm asking myself should I let her or shouldn't I? I think about what Varah would do if she were at home. Not much. She walks around looking really bored after doing her chores. She could be having fun with her friends. I can't think of any reasons why I shouldn't let her go except that I can't see what she is doing.
I must say that one thing Varah does while she is gone is call and text me every time she makes a move -- say when she gets in the car to go somewhere, etc. She keeps me posted on what she is doing at all times. I must also say that Varah is a good girl. She is smart and discerning for her age. She talks about what she thinks and I know her pretty well. This helps when I let her go places with her friend.
The questions are: Should I let her go every time she asks if she has nothing else to do? If not, why not? Varah is 15...should I be letting her go and spend the weekend with her friends at this age? If I let her, what information should I get from her, the girls and their parents. I've met two of three parents and they are great.
If you have any ideas, I would appreciate your input.
Update: Okay. This weekend deja vu. She called to ask if she could spend Sunday night. First I said "no" then she reminded me that she did not have school today. So I surrendered.
ReplyDeleteJoanie,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, let me put out this disclaimer: I feel very unqualified to serve as adviser to anyone; but from one mother's heart to another, these are my initial thoughts--subject to revision as life continues to reshape my perspectives.
I understand your concern for Varah's staying anywhere other than home...even when the second option seems fairly safe. This is my opinion--solely opinion: if your gut tells you she needs to stay home sometime, that's reason enough to say "no". As hard as it is to reckon at times (and I truly understand how difficult it can be) our role as parents preempts our standing eye-to-eye with our children when it comes to decision making. You're not in competition with her friends--altho, in a way you are--but in real life, your being her mom comes along with the privilege of having her home to be a part of the family environment even when nothing "fun" or "interesting" is happening. It is a precious testament to your parenting (and, of course God's grace) that Varah has exhibited good decision-making skills. However, you're moving into a new phase of parenting where along with the privilege "to go" also comes the privilege to learn how to behave properly when one is not permitted to go "for no apparent or logical reason". This is one of life's hardest lessons. Most of us are great at managing "yes's". Most of us are woefully deficient in handling seemingly senseless "no's". I use the phrases "for no apparent or logical reason" and "seemingly senseless no's" because it will feel that way to the child, but in our hearts we know that our purpose is to continually prepare our children to function when they don't have us close by.
It is wise to get to know the girls and their parents, as you are doing. And knowing you, I'm sure you're enveloping Varah with affirmation regarding her heart for others and commending her good choices. Keep up the good work, Mama.
Let's pray for each other as we navigate through these child-rearing years.
love you, Chick,
paula